The Self-worth Charade

I'm not for everybody.

This is not news. It is an elementary revelation that some folks will like you and others will not. The hard part, for me, is accepting that fact.

I've learned, during the span of my life, that we, as people, like to place others in boxes. We place labels on each other and change them around, accordingly, as we discover more about one another. Someone either brings value to your life, for whatever reason, or they don't.

I'm learning to be ok with that. It is a work in progress.

When I first visited Charlotte, I was excited when my Airbnb host invited me out to an art show. She'd bought me a drink. She'd introduced me to some of her friends. To me, they were cool people: artsy, open-minded, and friendly. They were jarring in the way that fresh-squeezed lemonade still has a kick. They were refreshingly different. Different from the world I was leaving, anyway. And I was excited to have my first connections in the Queen City.

They each had qualities I connected with so, naturally, we entered each others worlds via social media.

It went downhill from there. Like ninjas in the night, they began to disappear.

The day I noticed the lack of reciprocated interaction, all these thoughts started flooding my mind. I wondered which of my characteristics turned them off. "Oh, well," I sulked. "Reasons and seasons."

Fast forward to this moment. And I've discovered some newer connections I recently made have disappeared (read: unfollowed) me as well.

And the thoughts flood my mind again.

I'm not health-conscious enough. I'm not vegan.

I post too much. I talk about church and God a lot.

I'm not on the scene too often. I don't lift weights.

I'm not popular. I post a lot of humor. Humor is a way for me to cope with the many frustrating parts of life. Why am I justifying myself?

I'm not black enough for the "woke" crowd here. I'm a creative but I'm not artsy enough for the Plaza-Midwood and NoDa types. Which is sad because I love NoDa and the people there.

I'm not "yogi" enough for the yogis.

I'm not financial enough. I'm not technical enough.

I don't prefer Uptown or South End over other neighborhoods in the city.

I'm not a lifestyle entrepreneur, a foodie, a fashionista, or, even, a fitness fanatic. I'm not a model. I'm not affluent. I'm not many things.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

For the most part, I feel I've failed to become a part of the Charlotte culture that I love so much.

And, as I'm stirring in the stew of my self-perceived shortcomings, I'm reminded of all the things I am. I think of all the people I've connected with who show me love daily-- just for being myself, enjoying the things I do, and living the life that I am. The ones who don't care if I only go to yoga class once a week. The ones that know I enjoy living near the outskirts of town because it gives me peace of mind. The ones who have gotten close enough to me to know me creatively. The ones who encourage me to be healthier with words and companionship. The ones who engage in life with me beyond social media. The ones who reciprocate my world view that giving and pouring into others, genuinely without expecting anything in return, is most of what makes life amazing. In this moment, I am reminded that I am enough.

I am enough for the people who are meant for me and vice versa. But, most importantly, I am enough for myself.

The same is true for you.

I write all of this to say, it is easy to drown in feelings of inadequacy when you only focus on what you are not (especially in the assumed eyes of others). It is easy to question your worth when your value comes from people and things external to yourself and your faith or spirituality. I encourage you to focus on all the things that make you wonderful. Start there. Focus on Who or what made you wonderful -- and appreciate that. Then, think of all the people who appreciate you as you are -- and appreciate them.

Pretty soon you will see, you've been worthy all along.

This is not news. It is an elementary revelation that some folks will like you and others will not. The best part, for me, is learning to value myself the most.

-Asha